WTF Origins of Classic Video Games

25Jul11

via Videogame Obsession

Who knew video games could be so messed up?  I’m not talking about beating the shit out of hookers in Grand Theft Auto.  Or massacring an airport full of civilians in Modern Warfare 2.  No, I’m talking about all the messed up stuff in videogames that are way way older,

Most people don’t know that in the original Donkey Kong Mario was the real villain because he was Donkey Kong’s cruel owner who abused him on a regular basis which caused him to snap, and escape, kidnapping Mario’s girlfriend who was probably also an evil animal abuser.

I doubt other people knew that in Super Street Fighter II Cammy was M. Bison’s brainwashed teenaged sex toy double agent, or that Double Dragon took place in some weird mutant-apocalyptic world and that one of the characters you play as is really the bad guy behind the scenes  (however if you watched the cartoons that were based on these games you probably wouldn’t be surprised when you heard this).

Did you know that the spaceship in Centipede is really this little elf magician with a magic wand named Oliver and that the creatures he’s blowing away are his friends under the spell of an evil Wizard?  Don’t believe me?  There was actually an official comicbook that came out that was included with the original console version of the game that showed all this happening.  If you can manage to dig it up, read it and it will tell you everything.

Finally there’s Arkanoid a puzzle game that involves bouncing a ball with a paddle against a bunch of bricks that many of you might know better as Brick Blaster or something similar.  This is a game that you will more then likely find in some form on one of those free flash-arcade sites or on a cellphone or graphing calculator.

This ring any bells?

The truth is that the paddle in the game is really a spaceship, and that the area you’re playing in is some weird space that the ship is trapped in, and breaking the bricks is your lame attempt at escaping whereever the hell it is you are.  Before you go saying “that origin isn’t so bad,” let me finish.  The name of the game “Arkanoid” comes from the name of a ship all your friends were on that was destroyed prior to the start of the game, a destruction your tiny spaceship barely survived and which trapped you in the land of bricks and balls.

Cracked

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